Due to increasingly weird goings on here in the tiki club I have decided to open this thread to a few more lucky readers.

 

 

before I begin, it's interesting to note that the head chef has a trapped nerve and can only look left, which leads to many funny situations. And I have an ingrowing toenail and can't walk and 2 spider bites that are slowly eating their way into my leg.

The events of wednesday are somewhat hazy being so long ago, but some highlights of the week are as follows......

After the delivery of gas and robs hasty finger tight connection, panic arrises after service when max smells gas. Coming inside after a quiet moment alone on the terrase, I found everyone running around in a state of panic opening windows etc but no one actually thought to turn the gas off, panic over, until the next day when the maintenance man turned up to reconect everthing to find that the gas pipes wern't infact gas pipes but water pipes and completely illegal.

It was an interesting service with food falling off the pass due to a lack of servers. On further investigation, it seemed there was a big fight breaking out in the bar. Whilst the bar girl rushes off to phone the gay dj to tell him not to come into work, a man is throwing tables and chairs around. The most amazing thing for me was that the overly camp dj is in fact not gay, he's bi sexual. The story was completed when we found out that he had shagged the angry gentlemans wife up the ass in the changing cubicle at tiki beach. Not helped by the man hearing the chefs discuss the details as he sat around the corner from the kitchen......

After another night of no sleep the staff were losing moral so the manager called in his contacts for a cocaine delivery. After asking for a little weed to help me sleep the manager wet into overdrive and within 5 mins there was a nugget in my hand, bravo manager. Later on people were found in nooks and crannys all over the place with rolled up notes.

He looked slightly less happy the next day when his ex girlfriend announced that she's pregnant................

Friday night again, and after a shit service when the floor takes 170 orders for the kitchen within 15 minutes, everyone decides to go out for the night.........

Saturday the headchef admits to going mad and there is a distinct lack of barman. With extra help in the kitchen things should have gone smoothly later it turns out it's taking the chef 30 mins to cook each burger whilst shouting at everyone with a distinct odour of torrets. At breaking point after trying to do all the prep and organise the others rob points out that if he can't cook a few steaks then he should fuck off to bed. Later that evening the managers friend was called for some chemical motivation. On asking again about weed the most innocent tintin-esque waiter pulled a block out of his sac magique.

The barman was in prison for 24 hours while he sobered up, court hearing has been set for march 2009, chef had to walk back from st tropez explaining his slightly off mood.........

and so it goes on...... going out to get some water one night i found a pissed pizza chef who unveiled his plans to take over tiki club after rumble with me in the kitchen, after which he let out that he's going to open for food until 1 in the morning and wants sushi ( a sore point with me) so i went back to bed.

Last night pizza boy further stirs up trouble when it's found that the plagist keeps his own tips. Changing it into a problem with max a 3 hour discussion about work followed. Max it turned out didn't care about the tips and he was told now he has nothing to do with the beach he shouldn't expect them.......Then today rumble storms into the kitchen telling max to clean all the tables on the beach as a priority an that he's shit and can be replaced in 5 minutes..........................Max is about to quit.........................

Enough for now, i'm tired!

James Kellow
August 5 at 11:06am
Reply
Fucking brilliant as ever mate, pls include sylv on these as well mate, i forwarded the last ones to her and she's loving your work. I love the bit about the guys bird being nobbed in the botty by the bisexual DJ in the shower, you couldnt make it up!!

Matthew Thomas Stokes
August 5 at 1:07pm
Reply
Nice mate !good quality chilled summer hay

Robert Went
Today at 2:12am
James: can only fit 20 people on, if someone's not interested let me know and i'll replace with others.

 

Isabel Meyer August 7, 2008 at 9:52pm
This is incredible! I can't stop laughing, probably because I can imagine how things happened.. Keep writing. U should sell it..will be a bestseller for sure!!
U r a great writer, u should use your talent!

Todd Ingram August 7, 2008 at 5:27am Reply

rob this shit is brilliant! i'm loving every painful minute of tiki club existence. i've been stopping strangers on the street to share ur tales with them; n they love it all too! u know if u were making it up i'd say go write a book now with that imagination of urs or better yet a film script, i'd pay to see that movie! r u any chance of hitting aus still later in da yr? i should be around to show u some sites! PEACE mate n good luck eh? t..

 

xxxComing up, hospitals, feet with no skin, marriage proposals, sushi mayhem, spinabifida plagists and electro-shock pinball. not forgetting the return of the guvnor-Dolph, stay tuned!